Trust

Cuts, scars, bruises, lies and fake laughs.
Fake smiles, constant cries and a horrifying past.
Promises broken, lost loves…
and the “trust me” that didn’t last.

So, what is this entire hubbub about Trust.

I, as an individual, have definitely not been judicious and undoubtedly not Spartan so far, to say the least- the later one almost being a quest by now. Life, for me, has been a constant string of sour decisions with rancid results. If not for a lot of optimism, I would have given up on my future looking at my not so glorious past. Nonetheless, one thing that I have always been particular about, for some strange reason, is trust. Then again I am compelled to say, that like all other things, I hadn’t been heedful when it came to trust, especially with others trust in me; almost never to circumspect at the right time. Time then for the biggest question, “Why bother about it so much?”

People, I have come to believe, are made of forces- internal as well as external. All that we do is a mélange, a potpourri of these forces. Actions influenced by external forces and behavioural pattern related to it marked by internal forces. I know that I have this dark side of me marked by a fiend, which tells me to simply walk away from all the shit and not bother. Not to mention, how debilitating these situations are. There have been times when I have thought to myself that the best thing to do is to perhaps light a cigarette and simply walk away. At times, I do marvel at the thoughts of so easily moving away from situations like these; how the human mind comes up with such wonderful ideas, surprises me for sure. However, something inside stops me from doing so. So, what is it that stops me from doing so; considering the fact that in most of these situations, I have nothing to gain and nothing left to loose.

I do believe in Karma and perhaps it’s my destiny, which makes me stick around or maybe it’s some goodness inside which compels me to say sorry. Whatever it is, but trust, for some reason has been of utmost importance to me, even in hopeless cases.

Luke 6:37 "Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned.”

And so, I have stopped judging, stopped condemning and I try to pardon as much as I can; hoping rather believing that I will be pardoned for my mistakes and my misjudgment. Amen.

The Kite Runner- Main character vis-a-vis our character

Working its way in Afghanistan from the heydays of peace and prosperity to a country plagued by devastation and destruction, The Kite Runner is a book that takes us through an enthralling journey of two young Afghani Muslim boys who grow up together. The book is the first one by famed author Khalid Hosseini, who keeps his readers spellbound by the touch of hardcore reality in a country marred by two decades of war; exquisitely describing the nuances of a relationship between a couple of young boys.

Amir, son of an affluent businessman grows up with Hassan, son of Amir’s father’s servant Ali, from the Hazara community, a supposedly shunned ethnic Muslim minority, in the Arab world. Being raised in the same household and sharing the same wet nurse they grow up together yet in a completely different way. Amir’s life takes a new turn when he, like a coward, watches Hassan being sodomized in an alley for his loyalty, towards Amir.

The book takes us through a journey of guilt in Amir’s life, for not defending Hassan when he should have and Amir’s father’s life, for not being able to amply provide for his illegitimate son Hassan, at the same time hiding the truth from both his sons. The Kite Runner is a story about friendship, brotherhood, loyalty and betrayal. It is about the bonds between fathers and sons and a boy’s fight against himself- A coward boy marred by his guilty conscience. A boy who never stood up for himself growing up to become a man could not stand up to anything. But towards the end, the author gives us hope, with cowardice finally giving way to redemption.

Drifting away, the story shifts my focus to one of our very own. It reminds me of the recent elections in Gujarat where a tyrant like Narendra Modi was once again restored to power with a thumping majority. It reminds me of our inability to once again stand up for our own rights, towards oneself and towards humanity. On the 26^th day of January in 1950 the constitution of India was adopted thereby marking a transition of the country from a British Dominion to a republic. A republic is a state or a country that is not led by hereditary monarch, where the people of that state or country (or at least a part of that people) have impact on its government.

Every year on the 26^th of January we Indians celebrate our Republic Day to commemorate the adoption of our constitution. But today, on this 26^th day of January in 2008, it saddens me to say the least that we failed to do justice to that very constitution. We watched the massacre in Gujarat like a mute spectator then and we watched the man behind the very same genocide come to power now. It seems as though we truly have become an ignoble, uncourageous person completely incorrigible- A poltroon without any conscience… A stigma of decay, for all to see. We are like that very same boy who never stood up for himself, today grown up to become a man not capable of standing up to anything. I wonder when our redemption will come as we don’t seem to mind our inhibitions anymore; god knows we are so used to them now.

Silence

Ever felt a sudden silence; a feeling when everything around comes to a standstill. Cars and bikes with their horns blaring; people chatting, moving around; music and all hustle bustle suddenly dying down and nothing but silence is left. One could certainly feel the movement but not hear anything; as if being pushed into some kind of vacuum. The time stops followed by a deadening silence which slowly starts creeping down ones body and encapsulates the soul.

You look around to see if you can find someone; someone that you can relate to, someone that you can talk to. How can there not be a single person amongst a crowd of millions? How about friends? Some are lost forever and the others can’t be reached at that point. How about family? Not around. Strangely, not a single familiar face with a melee around. You feel like crying with tears welled in your eyes but not flowing; something inside stopping the outburst. You want to talk to someone- No, you can’t talk to anyone. You want someone to understand what you feel- No, there is no one who could do so. All so quiet, all so still, all so lonely like being castaway to a distant land. Everything stops and it feels as if you are standing all alone looking at everything yet nothing. It’s a moment of complete aloofness from the whole world. There is this cold feeling that surges inside like a shining blade, like steel piercing deep down.

Then again everything comes back to normal; the traffic, the people, the music all of them. That is when I realise, that it was one of those spasms, a bout of pain which takes the mind through an eerie silence. Zendagi migzara, after which. Life goes on.

Ode to thee- One that i admire

I remember being in love for the first time in my late teens. It was indeed terrific; something I had never felt before. To me it was like a trance, a stupor which was so transcendental that I was in complete oblivion; living every moment of my life. The anomaly not lasting for a very long time and I had my first heartbreak after a few years. The dreams and the ardent feelings fading away and vanishing with time, as life moved on. All but this one feeling which strangely remained- The feeling of being in love. For some odd reason I always felt as if I was in love; though I could never perceive who I was in love with.

I shifted bases and cities moved in and out of my life, just like girls. I tried falling in love again but somehow I could never work out the intricacies of the initial phase. Women came into my life and either left with a huff or just saw through me, exactly as I had started seeing through them. I shifted my focus on to other important aspects of my life; and just as I was about to forget this whole issue, I met a wonderful girl. She isn’t very beautiful and certainly not the kind of woman that I had longed for- immensely charming though. She is the only person, by far, who broke my confidence every time, with a single stroke and with all the things that I had thought, to have mastered- which for some strange reason pleased me a hell lot. She has this great sense of individuality, which is quite a lot appealing. She knows what she wants and god she has all the guts in the world to stand up for it and get it. Now that is exactly what I call a woman of substance. The grit, the determination and the spirit is definitely worth a praise.

We speak of words like freedom, equality and liberation for women; the fact is that I see them being used as nothing but a punch line to impress others. When it comes to us, we would rather prefer a stereotype girl who would do anything to satisfy our whims. Do we really need such women in our society? Now that’s a question which if asked from men, on anonymity, will mostly get no as an answer. The truth is that we enjoy the domination which we have had for years. We men are so used to being a chauvinist that we have a penchant for it and are not at all ready to give it up this easy. We want things to be exactly the way they had been all this while, so that we could enjoy this so called supremacy. Well, certainly not for me.

I would like to be with a girl who is as good as I am or perhaps even better than me; so that she could be a source of my strength and inspiration. So that I could take pride in the fact that I have walked with her in life but rather not ahead of her. I admire her for her courage to stand out and love her for her individuality. It has been a pleasure knowing her and always will be.