Of world and worldly affairs

A close friend of mine died some time ago of cancer. The night I heard the news of his death I thought about a lot of things and about all those times that we spent together. It was as if all of it kept flashing in front of my eyes, especially the part when he told me about this girl that he had met nearly a year back and about his aspirations to tie the knot of maternal bliss with her and furthermore about his flourishing career. He envisaged the happiness to come in his life in near future and painted a beautiful picture of life, love, health and happiness. It was like a canvass full of bright and exuberant colours that takes a serene and a tranquil mind to create; a portrait portraying a perfect life set in a perfect background. Except that the shades used eventually turned out to be darker, than what the artist actually wanted to portray.

In the span of an years time his entire aspirations turned to dust with nothing remaining, apart from mere memories and a sense of loss. When I met him a year ago, he seemed to me like a man of purpose working towards a lot of fine things in life. Things like a budding career, a sound financial situation and a respectable social status. I met him again a few months back when he was undergoing treatment for his ailments and he yet again came across as a man of purpose. The purpose though this time seemed to be entirely different as compared to the previous occasion. This time round the purpose was to just try and live some more beyond the minimal window that one has in grave medical conditions like these.

It thus occurred to me how ones priorities and outlook towards life changes when one is about to traverse from the final destination towards the dissolution. The fact that we waste our time and our lives over things that are simply incandescent is something which is worth observing. Why is it that most of us realize the importance of our short-lived life mostly at the end of it or otherwise at the precipice. What thus results is just a sense of deep loss and longing to perhaps take another shot at what that is already lost.

I have never feared living like a common man but have always feared dying like one. So what is it that I want to see as a remnant and a vestige of my life, at the end of it all?.... It should be like perched on top of a mountain, looking at the crimson sun setting on the western horizon- The end to a beautiful and bright day full of essentials like a green earth, a whispering evening-wind with music in the trees and the song of the birds. So that the last thing that I say before I die would be “I’m looking at an incredible view right now”.

Worth of a Relationship

A friend of mine, after loosing someone close to her, had questioned whether the love in a relationship is worth all the tears, the loss and the heartbreak at the end of it. I say end because it’s only logical to speak about it as everything that has a beginning has an end. She had very rightly stated that no relationship ends in a nice way. Some end up in a relatively better way while others don’t- And isn’t that true. So is it worth bothering with personal relationships.

Honestly, I have fought all my life to tow the line of yes in this case. But after all these years and scores of unsuccessful relationships I happen to be wondering right now the worth of all of them. Your family, your friends and even your loved ones have all left you one day to either move ahead or move away from this world. The fact is that it is distressing when it happens. We get shattered and it takes days and days of recuperating to get your life back on track. Life then starts again in a dilatory way. We take one hesitant step at a time and finally get over our grief to ultimately get into another relationship. After a while another end, and there you start all over again.

My friend had said that these losses make us a stronger person but that it could also work the other way round and leave you bitter in the end. It sure seems to be working for me. I have really started wondering about the cause I have so feverishly fought for, all these years. In the end it still breaks, all these relationships, because no matter what you do it is never enough for people. I really don’t see any point in this anymore. All these years and the resultant experiences have just left me with a bitter feeling, wanting for none of this no more.

I try and stay away for the most part; but every once in a while you come across someone who feels different. You feel that perhaps if you put in a little more effort and if you did things in the right way the end might be different this time round. But then again the rights and the wrongs are extremely subjective. You think that if you could perhaps show a lot of understanding then maybe things might be different now. But then it’s not really necessary for the other person to be as understanding as you are. You think that you might want to put in some more of patience, as a key, to make this one work. But alas you finally run out on that too as the person might display none.

So really what’s the point in moving around in circles. These relationships are really not worth bothering for. They give you pain galore for a moment of happiness. They give you incessant tears for a flash of smile. They leave you hurt, broken, burnt and spent in the end. You then gather all your strength to rise from your ashes only to be burnt down again. I reckon I’m just sick and tired of this nonsense in my life and I’d rather say “Fuck you” to all of them and simply steer clear off, of all of them, henceforth.

The road less travelled

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."
[Ezekiel 25:17]

Neither am I an atheist nor an agnostic or even deeply religious for that matter. I am just an average guy who has been brought up with a certain sense of discipline, imbibed into my system. I don’t like being suppressed or suppressing anyone, for any reason whatsoever. I am not virtuous, pious, saintly or anything close to that. I have my vices and all I can say is that I try to keep a check on to them. I try and not harm people as much as I can, so that at the end of the day I can stand in front of the mirror and look into my eyes. As I do believe that one can run away from everyone and everything but one can’t runway from oneself. Simply put, I try and maintain a certain standard whereby I can face myself and be able to answer back to my conscience.

And given the way I am I can’t tell you how difficult it is for me to reach a point where I have to choose between what is right and what is easy.

On one end, the mind keeps telling me to take the easy path- Besides the fact that that is what most of us do, it also, quite obviously, is an easy way out. But on the other end my heart doesn’t allow me to abandon what’s true.

Oh, what a dilemma! I always stand at the crossroad thinking what I should do. I so desperately feel I should take the easy way, for once. As its just about continuing your journey and knowing how way leads to another way, it would perhaps just be a matter of time before I would be able to put everything behind. I would perhaps forget everything and lead a brand new life. So what if that life is built on sacrificial offerings consisting of mine as well as others feelings? Big deal if I turned my back away from things when I should’ve stuck around. Who doesn’t do it? People anyway live on short-term memory. Don’t we like to forget our mistakes and our past? Don’t we prefer dwelling on just good times, even if it comes at a cost of others disappointment.

Ah! Let me do it just this one time. Let me just walk away from everything and turn my back to the people who now need me more than I need them. Let me just look at my happiness. Let me be selfish, weak and ignorant, just this one time. Let me...


I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost
Perhaps that will make all the difference some day...

Being Happy

"Men fall in love with Gilda, but they wake up with me."

Rita Hayworth

[Rita Hayworth, an American film actress and the sex symbol of the 1940’s, shot to fame with her movie Gilda. Rita, an otherwise shy person and an antithesis to her roles, especially her most popular role of Gilda, had confessed the above.]

That’s the thing about happiness, isn’t it? We go to bed with Gilda and wake up with someone else. I mean you really think that the things, big and small, that you are doing are what makes you happy and perhaps are right for you. But at the end of it all it doesn’t eventually turn out like that. And you end up shouting like Meatloaf saying, “Life is a lemon and I want my money back.” Except that you don’t really get your money back- The shows over and you like it or not you got to scamper. You can keep shouting that and vowing that you are not going to make the same mistake again but believe me it’s a vicious circle. As they say history repeats itself…

Let me tell you something incredibly funny. When we were kids we used to, thorough our dreamy little eyes, see life as an off-the-shelf package of something gleamy and attractive, the aftereffects of which would perhaps coruscate throughout the life. All you gotta do is pick that package up and your life is gonna be pretty much settled.

I sit, and I see, and I laugh my guts out when I realize that the package, as attractive and as promising, is still there to be picked up. But, it isn’t as easy as I had envisioned it to be; with my dreamy little eyes. Am I being sarcastic and depressing at the same time?

You bet, I’m being god damn sarcastic right now and ill also tell you why. There is this game that the grown-ups play. It’s a fairly easy (if only you can make believe it to be easy) game and it has just one simple rule. You have to stick by the saying “Ignorance is Bliss”. No wait, ignorance actually means not knowing so you have to change that a little and say that you simple have to ignore a lot of things in life. Take no moral responsibility, you know, of things and people around you and be completely ostentatious. You do that and you’re gonna be totally hassle free. You will be happy or at least you will appear happier from outside.

The only screw-up being there with the game is that some people just can’t come to pretend. Having tried a lot, I finally have given up on it. There are these few things in life that always disturb that balance every now and then. So sarcastic I am, but not at all depressed. I might not accept that I am one of those kinds who would want to take the responsibility and owe up to things and I might want to live in denial when it comes to accepting I being that kind. But I am not deterred. I am not going to quit and I am going to find my path. I know that I am going have the last laugh and that is all that matters in the end. I am not pretending.

The good and the bad ones

It hits you like a cold chilly morning squall on a misty pale winter morning. Its like after being snuggled under the covers for a long time, you decide to step out for whatever reasons and you are hit by the bitter reality of something true and something so horrible that it changes the course of your life. Except that squalls are mostly ephemeral but the bitter truth sticks with you like a skin.

You know, the world has always been compartmentalized into the good and the bad. There are good things and bad things, good deeds and bad deeds, good words and bad words- everything has been segregated and has been put into these two sections- keeping obviously the intricacies of the subjectivity aside. And just so there also are good people and bad people.

Bad people usually do bad things and harm others in many ways which could either be physically or emotionally. But they anyway are quite fucked up in their heads to do something as stupid as that. Not to say that this is their justification. But honestly what do you expect from a person whose mental wavelength is deranged enough to not see that his/her actions are going to lead to ramifications which are so grave that they are going to change the course of peoples lives. I mean it’s so obvious that they aren’t really thinking straight, isn’t it?

So that isn’t much of a concern here. The matter of concern is the good people who are so weak from inside that they can’t handle the truth. Seriously all of us can go right ahead and ask ourselves this question right now that whether we can handle the truth or not. I’m pretty damn sure that most of us would like to say at this point that yes of course we can do that. I mean, what’s the big deal. In that case I would like to restructure the question for all of us. Can we really handle someone’s past? You know, you should really be thinking hard before you answer this one because you bet its a trick question. This past could really be horrendously ugly. That’s a little perturbing, huh?

No wonder people do not discuss there past with their loved ones. Though discussing really helps in easing out ones pain and losses but you can’t really do much about it as, you see, we have a bit of problem with understanding here. So honestly whether we are good or bad we aren’t really being much of a help to the person concerned.

Here are a few lines from the movie Blood Diamond that ought to speak for the present scenario, “Sometimes I think will god ever forgive us for what we have done to ourselves. Then I look around and wonder… God left this place a long time ago.”

Sacrifice

“It only stands to reason that where there's sacrifice, there's someone collecting the sacrificial offerings. Where there's service, there is someone being served. The man who speaks to you of sacrifice is speaking of slaves and masters, and intends to be the master.”

-Ayn Rand

I have literally grown up from my teenage, thinking and trying to calculate, the worth of a sacrifice. Life being strange as ever always puts us at a crossroad, where we have to choose between what’s best for us and our loved ones. To add on to the already existing confusion we have tools like education, upbringing and so called rationality to choose the best possible option. So, believe you me friends when I say that that’s one hell of a spot, you really don’t want to be in.

You either choose what you want and make yourself happy at the cost of a lot of other peoples happiness or you choose what others want and make them happy at the cost of your own happiness. Man that’s a tight one.

Well, yes. You do owe a lot to a lot of people who make you what you are today and the obligation for all that is of course there. Isn’t it then perhaps right to choose others happiness over yours, given the situation.

Well, I reckon so.

That’s called free will. You choose others happiness over yours, willingly and by your own accord. Irrespective of them not being aware of your sacrifice, you go ahead and give up that very thing that you really really wanted. That’s one way to go about it. The other way is to put someone right there in front of you and count all that you have done for them and ask them for a sacrifice, back in return. Even if that sacrifice means your own life, your freedom and your very right to choose what you want. How fair is that?

To be or not to be, that is the question;
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them.
-William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Here we stand in front of a paradoxical concept of either taking up arms against the irresistible sea of troubles, which indeed are suicidal or to bear them, which definitely will destroy us. Amidst all this I still haven’t been able to calculate the worth of a sacrifice.

The City of Angels: Bangkok

One look at the steamy, pulsating, yet smiling metropolis, Bangkok and one would know that it’s a place for people who want an escape out from their usual hubbub. Streets lined with bars/pubs and massage parlors, of various shapes and sizes, show how easy it is to find sex there. As darkness falls the city begins to dazzle with neon-lit signs welcoming visitors to go-go bars, clubs, restaurants and theaters to experience and explore. Places like Sukhumvit, Khao San Road and Patpong welcome people to the hedonistic pursuits like drinking, dancing and complete debauchery.

Nana Plaza, a favourite with tourists and short-term visitors comprises of three floors of nightlife activity around a central atrium. The place also has something to offer for people with varied taste with a well-known Katoey or a transgender bar on the second floor. The CM2 club at the Hotel Novotel and the in-house club at the Grand Hyatt Erawan Bangkok are two popular destinations for people willing to shake a leg or two.

Apart from the usual revelling and binging, Bangkok also is a shopper’s paradise. The place is full of stand-alone shops and shopping complexes offering fabulous deals on all kinds of goods. The choices are numerous ranging from upscale Siam Paragon, offering high premium designer luxury goods to the legendary Mah Boon Krong (MBK), with 2000 shops selling virtually everything from apparel to accessories to electronics under the same roof. The place also boasts of the largest shopping mall in South-East Asia in terms of CentralWorld Shopping Complex offering reasonable deals on various branded as well as non-branded goods. Another option for ready-to-wear clothing is the Pratunam Market transforming into a night market after the closure and by 8 O’clock in the evening, with various small makeshift shops opening on both sides of the road. One can also go to Patpong for various knick-knacks, open till wee hours in the night.

The city of Angels- or Krung Thep as it’s called in Thai- also has some of the treasures for sightseeing, which are a visual delight. The Wat Pho or The Temple of the Reclining Buddha is the largest temple in Bangkok. It is famous for its 46 meters long reclining Buddha statue covered in gold leaf.

But the most majestic, aesthetic and a complete must see amongst everything is the Grand Palace. Undoubtedly the city’s most famous landmark, the Grand Palace is a visual delight which leaves its visitors in a complete awe, with its beautiful architecture and fantastic craftsmanship. Inside the palace complex is the famous What Phra Kaew or The Temple of the Emerald Buddha. The temple is situated in the outer court of the complex, near the entrance, which used to house the government departments. The central court was used to serve as the residence of the king with halls to conduct business whilst the inner court- not open to public- is where the Kings royal consorts and daughters lived. Though the Thai Kings stopped living in the palace around the twentieth century but it is still used for all kinds of official ceremonies and auspicious occasions.

Bangkok as a tourist destination is a place that has something to offer to every traveler. My four-day trip to the place was enthralling enough to leave me craving for more.

The irony called Life

They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,
Love and desire and hate:
I think they have no portion in us after
We pass the gate.

They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream.

- Vitae Summa Brevis Spem Nos Vetat Incohare Longam
Ernest Christopher Dowson

Perhaps a good question would be how fair life is.

The answer, in retrospect, with all certainty is very unfair. As beyond the beautiful vignette is a story, comprising of unfulfilled desires, disappointments and desperation. Our life which comprises of the past, present and future elements is mostly like a river that ends into an ocean of unrealized dreams. The past is a vestige of unfulfilled desires, the present marked by expectations and the future tinged with hope. Now fortunately or unfortunately most things that we desire don’t work out.

An optimist would like to say that it is our shortsightedness due to which we take all things that we think, to be best for us. It’s perhaps in our own best interest that most things don’t work out.

Honestly there is no denying this whole theory. But as humans we also tend to get disappointed, just as much as we tend to anticipate. Why is it then that we anticipate when we aren’t harbingers of good fortune? Shouldn’t we just take things, then in that case, the way they come to us rather than expecting and getting our hopes pinned to something, which has a likelihood of happening or not happening. Why think all together and why dream?

I guess it’s all interlinked. If we don’t dream, then we won’t aspire and if we don’t aspire, we won’t work towards it and if we won’t work to achieve our dreams perhaps we shall receive even less. So I reckon, we always will aspire and end up getting disappointed for the things that we don’t get. But who said life’s fair. C'est La Vie, such is life.

In the end I would like to finish off by quoting Helen Keller. “Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” Therefore some people still dare to aspire while others don’t…. to avoid disappointment.