Personal Loss

The inevitable happened today. Someone from my immediate family died this morning. The person in question had been bed ridden for a while and was suffering from cancer, so as it is there wasn’t much hope. To make things worse, I, who was to call this person last night didn’t do so and therefore ended up feeling miserable the whole day. I got the news of his deteriorating health late last night but procrastinated calling as it was a long distance call and on top of it I was with a bunch of friends. I anyway couldn’t have spoken to the person in question and I thought it to be just a matter of one day before I called; so big deal if I call tomorrow. Tragedy struck exactly in this one day and I couldn’t help but feel wretched about my recklessness; realising how things can change in a day, hour, minute or perhaps even in a few seconds.

When it comes to my family, I am quite reticent and I tend to not discuss the same with most people I know, even close ones. The rare ones that you discuss some few things with say “I am sorry to hear” as soon as they come across similar situation. Well, I’m quite sure that its courtesy and empathy which compels people to say so but I completely fail to understand the compassion intended by issuance of such statements, especially from these few select ones.

When I come across such situations, with acquaintances I do the same. But somehow I fail to comprehend the usage of such words with people that I am close to. How the hell can I feel the pain that someone else is going through and therefore I believe it to be true the other way round also. Why is it necessary to reply at all times and for all things? Maybe a simple hug or just a look or even bloody silence would do for me. But not those words, hell no. There is no goddamn way I can believe that and therefore I simply can't come to say it to people that are close to me. I am not capable of saying something that I don’t feel; that’s just not me. Maybe I’m too crassly but that’s the way I am.

At the end of it all I’m still thankful to all these lovely people, who at least try to show that they understand even if they can’t feel my pain. God bless them all.

Memoirs of a Beautiful Night

Experiences, isn’t life all about experiences. What we are in the present is a miscellaneous anthology, a grab bag and a mishmash of related or unrelated events from our past. All these past events along with some anticipation, also deduced from erstwhile happenings, reflects very strongly upon our present; thus making us the person that we are. Alfred North Whitehead had said, “What we perceive as present is the vivid fringe of memory tinged with anticipation.”

Nonetheless, the quintessential reason for this post is an experience that I have had in my past which is still vivid- a recollection of a beautiful night. What was so special about the night? Apart from all essential ingredients like the ambience, the situation and the mood; there was this one another thing that did it for me.

“Those true eyes
Too pure and too honest in aught to disguise
The sweet soul shining through them”
Owen Meredith (Edward Robert Lytton Bulwer-Lytton)

Yes, it indeed was eyes. Don’t they speak for themselves? I have always believed that they do. A close observation of the eyes and one could know what’s going on in the head. We can hide our emotions by manipulating our expression but we can’t do so with the eyes. Perhaps the best that we can do is to very quickly recover but eyes really speak for themselves at the precise time.

So, what did I see in those eyes? I saw a lot of warmth, love and want; which somehow was suppressed. I saw happiness in those eyes which was on account of the moment being perfect. I also saw fear in those eyes which was perhaps from the imagination that the whole thing might lead to a fallacy. I saw, in those eyes, a want to surrender; to give in to the moment and to resign to the consequences, whatsoever they might be. Exceptionally dreamy and extremely beautiful, those eyes captivated my senses more than anything. In fact to such an extent that I still haven’t forgotten them; I think I never will.

She walks in beauty,

Like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes
Lord Byron

Shadows from Past

Yes, I got a visit from my past today. One event leading to another and then another; and thus a reminder of something from the past. It was an odd feeling, a mix of warmth and happiness along with a pang. Sweetness blended with an equal amount of bitterness.

I am a guy who rarely forgets things in life; especially when it comes to experiences and situations, irrespective of them being good or bad. In a way it’s a great thing as it is a valuable source of strength for me. Every failure or success is an experience for me, educating and teaching something new- stress being on failure. The best way to learn is to fall and learn; as once we fall, we hurt ourselves and when we hurt ourselves, we make it a point to not repeat our mistake.

Charles Krauthammer had said that “The flip side of retrospectively savaging the loser is beatifying . . . the winner.” So, on the flip side this very source of my strength, in a way, is my weakness. When we grow over our past we tend to bury it somewhere inside of us. Most of us do it in an effective way so that they can’t reminisce. While some of us are not so effective in doing that and get a reminder about the same. I am one of those unfortunate ones who falls under the latter category. How do you feel when you are reminded about something that you had pursued with an undying passion? If you get that thing then obviously you wouldn’t care as much, but if you not only not get it but also get a reminder of it some time later, then… it hurts. It hurts but you can’t help smile and you feel like submitting yourself once again to the cause that you had once so staunchly believed in. For the most part one doesn’t capitulate but definitely do feel like acquiescing. It’s so befuddling when you feel that you possibly want to get back or perhaps not.

I really wish I could get back… but I know I will not.

The Love Lost

Loving someone and being loved back is by far the toughest thing. Why? Frankly speaking, I have no clue; considering the fact that most of us spend a lifetime looking for love. Have I loved before? Oh yes! Of course I have loved before. I have been fortunate and not so fortunate. When I say fortunate, I mean that like everyone else, I too got a chance to love someone and when I say not so fortunate, what I mean is that like most of us, I too blew it away. Am I sorry for that? Believe you me, I am. All I can say is that I have bled and that too to an extent that I feel anemic now.

“Such is my love, to thee I so belong

That for thy right myself will bear all wrong.”

We rant and whine and crib for want of someone in our life. We say that we’d go to any extent to get the person in question; willing to defy all odds and to sacrifice all that we can. We even get to begging in front of the person to take us back into their life; asking for one last chance to prove worthiness and to make every wrong right. And so we get our second chance; only to once again throw it away. Classic, isn’t it? I personally believe that, all things that have a price tag attached to it, each and every god damn thing that money can buy, howsoever expensive it might be, is the cheapest and the easiest to get. Well, if I can buy it then someone somewhere else can buy it too; all that they have to do is perhaps spend an obscene amount of money on it. The most expensive and the toughest thing, in my opinion, is to preserve a relationship; to give a moments happiness to someone; to brighten someone’s life with mere presence and to love unconditionally. That, my friends, is the toughest thing to do; as it hangs by a mere thread. A little off-balance and snap goes the thread. Breaking everything and destroying all the hard work and the honest effort.

I have completely stopped thinking about love; well at least for the moment. And it doesn’t hurt me anymore to realize that I don’t have someone as special in my life. If I am fortunate enough then perhaps someday I will find someone who could love me and give me a chance to love back. Nonetheless, what hurts me most is to see someone who I know and who is close to me suffering in the cause of love; anxiously waiting for that one moment that never occurs in time, that one call which is never made and that one message which never reaches. I have never seen someone so unfortunate in my life; someone who is loved with so much passion, dedication and persuasion; that very someone who doesn’t really care about any of this. I bleed to see either person suffering as much even when each of them confess that they are in love with one another- ironical, very ironical. I wish we had a better sense of understanding than what we display and could perhaps comprehend the importance of something as pure as love. Otherwise, what remains is pure guilt and nothing more, when love is lost.